I have been doing a lot of examining of my family patterns since baby Stella was born (and obviously way before her as well), especially since my parents have visited the last few days. Check out these cute pics of them below:

My labor and delivery has been visiting me every day in very vivid snippets and I have been reflecting a lot on it.

I have always had this belief of ‘No pain, no gain’ and that you don’t deserve something unless you earn it. I still believe this last one to a large extent…I do think people are too expectant that things will just land in their lap without the willingness to work for it…however, it doesn’t necessarily have to come with suffering.

I had a 4 day labor, finally ending in an emergency c-section and did not take pain meds during or after the process. It was a painful and laborious process (literally) and it has been on my mind a lot lately and I have been thinking about how my next pregnancy (if that is in my fate) will be different.  One of the things I realized I would do differently is to change my mindset around pain and labor.  Even in my business, I don’t like the idea of things moving too quickly or being too easy because I don’t want it to cheapen my experience of earning the changes (financially and otherwise) that come my way.

With my apartments in NYC, I have always gotten a nicer apt each time, but slowly and surely.  I am a capricorn and as a mountain goat, I like to sure-footedly move forward.

I know exactly where that comes from in my family system and can see where I follow my parents in that way.  My parents believe in pain and things being hard. My grandparents and great-grandparents, etc. etc believed the same. I, like most of you, had family in war, the great depression, tough immigration, etc.
Would I not still have earned my baby if I had a 2-hour delivery with pain aids? And a baby that didn’t have to go to the NICU?

I have been working on these beliefs of ‘No Pain, no gain’ and will continue to for some time.

Do you have a similar pattern? Where does it come from? Where does it show up? Relationships? Money? Career? Health?

I’d love for you to re-examine some of these beliefs! Maybe, just maybe, things can come easy next time!

Lots of love,

Natalie

You know that saying, “how you show up to your yoga mat is how you show up in life”.  I think the same is true for food, “How you show up to your plate (or worse, container), is how you show up in life.”.  Your relationship to food can mirror your relationships to friends, family, self, money, and yes, your lover.  In these tips below, I will show you some tips on how building your relationship with food is like building your relationship to your man, or partner.  Bon apetit!

1) Indulge in Quality Time Together–human beings are so caught up in the rat race, we think that we are better at multitasking than we are, and we do it way too often.  When we are allocating our attention to too many things at once, something suffers.  The same goes towards food and relationships.  It is a big no-no to go on a date where there is a sports game playing in the background, or where you or your partner (or both) is texting and/or on their phone the entire time.  It is rude, disrespectful and basically saying “I value this more than you”.  The same thing happens when we eat in front of the TV, computer, or our cell phones.  We devalue ourselves, our food and the life force it is capable of bringing us.  Like dating,  it is bad eating etiquette.  Shut off the distractions and focus one-on-one with your food.  Light a candle, pull up a chair and stay awhile in focused attention.

2) Slow and Steady Wins the Race-I work with a lot of people who say “I love food so much, that I just gobble it right down”. Hmmmm, that’s funny.  Last time I checked, I only did things quickly that I couldn’t wait to get over with–like taxes or taking out the garbage.  I wouldn’t make love as quickly as possible.  I would prolong it with foreplay, during play and the after snuggles.  I certainly wouldn’t get it over with in record speed. So, ask yourself, do I really love food or am I just trying to get this (feeling) over with.  If you still think you love food, treat it as such.  Savor every moment with it. Prolong it. Let it linger on your plate and fork for a while.  Let it stay in your mouth for a moment.  Sit at the table for 30 minutes with it.  Treat it like it is the hottest lover in the world.  Hell, you could even have an orgasm with your food (not literally–this is not about cucumbers), by simply having a highly pleasurable and peak state experience with it.  Bottom line, if you really love it, you’ll take your time with it.

3) Engage all of the senses-When you are with your lover, take the time to really engage in all of the senses–the touch, smell, emotions, taste, sight and sounds of them, you, and your interaction together.  Savor each moment.  Same with your food.  We are often not fully satiated unless we have a certain texture (I never feel satisfied if I drink a meal–I need to crunch or chew on something), palate, taste, shape, aroma, etc.  Imagine you are a food connoisseur.  Much like those wine peeps take the time to detect woodsyness in their wine (whatever that means), take some type to decipher your food ‘hmm, is that a hint of rosemary I taste in here? Perhaps it is thyme? You get the idea.  Also, we spend so much time affirming what we don’t like in life, that we don’t affirm what we do like.  The same holds true for  food consistency and texture “I hate squid–that chewy, slimy texture is disgusting” and yet we don’t really know what we DO like. So, what do you like? Stick with it.

4) Quality, not Quantity--There is a time in your life where the swinging singles scene is really appealing….it is also in the same era where you go to bed scarfing down a pizza and wake up to delivery from McDonald’s–read: not high quality.  Lots of men/partners and fast food, are well, both fast, yummy and not healthy or sustainable.  They are lacking in quality, nutrients, and life-force energy.  At a certain point in life, it is important to value quality, not quantity.  The body actually stays hungry until it gets all the nutrients it needs, and empty calories, and empty sex, are just temporary quick fixes.  Long lasting loving connection, and food that is grown locally, from a farmers’ market, is what nurtures you in the long run.

5) Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is-Literally!  This goes along with #4.  It is important to go for quality.  Men are a dime a dozen, but a good one is worth his weight in gold. Your mouth, and your body (we live and die by the GI tract) deserve some money well spent on this; this means organic food, mostly greens, grown and cooked with love.  People always bitch about how much it costs to eat healthy.  To that, I say, you really can’t afford not to.  What you spend in food, you save on medical bills.  Additionally, upon looking at their spending habits, they have no problem spending money on shoes, purses, etc. so perhaps you need to re evaluate where your money goes.  Personally, there is no better investment than health and well-being.

6) It’s what is in the Inside that Counts–Hotties, boy toys and real-life barbies are fun to look at, and fun to play with.  Did you know you can actually bounce a quarter off of fake boobs? Likewise, I feel like Jell-o, fruit roll-ups (those were the days wrapping that puppy around my finger and sucking it off), gogurts (how fun is it to squirt yogurt out of a tube into your mouth), s’mores and french fries (cigarette dipped in ketchup anyone?) are also fun to look at and play with.  However, it is what is inside that counts and if there is nothing there on the inside (that means your little chip n’ dale), then you should move on.  Likewise, if your food is not chock full of nutrients inside, kick it to the curb, like your boy toy.  Even though your kale might just looks like a limp piece of green lettuce on the outside, it is super beneficial on the inside.  Looks fade and substance doesn’t.

7) Have Fun!-I work with a lot of couples who are having difficulties.  One of the questions I as them is: What do you do for fun? The responses I get are often startling “Nothing”, “rake leaves”, “watch TV”, “I don’t know”, “Does clipping our toenails count as fun?”.  Oh boy!  I really believe that the couple who plays together, stays together.  Life is too short to be so damn serious all the time. You gotta get out of your same old routine!  Spice it up a little!  The same is true with food.  It is important to have fun with it!  Try different recipes. Try different spices. Try different techniques.  While you are cooking, put on some Pandora and dance!  Enlist your children’s help and get them involved in washing, grating and cooking. Food doesn’t have to just be a necessity–it can provide you much enjoyment as well!

No doubt, a female’s most complicated relationship exists between mother and daughter.  From our first instances in utero, and continued through the rest of our days,  our lives piggyback off of mom and how we relate to one another.  However, we mustn’t gloss over the fathers.  In systemic and family constellation therapy, the father’s presence and contribution needs to be acknowledged.  Too many wives or children don’t give their dads enough credit, when in fact, it takes two to procreate.  Without the father, the children would not have life, so if we make our husbands feel dispensable (whether or not we are married or divorced), guess what, our children feel dispensable as well (hello, the kid is half of them!).  And, if we as wives don’t respect our husbands, you guessed it, our children learn not to respect their spouses as well (among other things).  Worse, your children will feel conflicted over whom to ‘ally with’ when in fact, it is impossible to side with one parent over the other, because it took both to bring them life.  The child will then go on to punish themselves in some way, whether it be through love and relationships, finances and career, or health.  Maybe you are the child of parents like that, and can identify with this tough position. It’s certainly a lose-lose position to be in, so it is important that we don’t ask that or expect that from our children.

Additionally, in constellation therapy, it is said that the mother brings the child into the world, and the father shows the child the world.  Where can you acknowledge and respect the fathers in your life more? Where can you direct attention towards them so that they can show you (if you are your father’s child) or your children (if you co-created with a father) the world more? For example, could you ask them advice on finances or cars? As a mother, if a child comes to you with a question on how fireworks explode, could you say something like “you know who is super smart with these things? Daddy!  Let’s ask him!” There are so many ways that the fathers in our lives can, with their wisdom, bestow knowledge and worth upon the younger ones.

In a world where feminism is swarming and women are kicking ass (whoot) we also tend to forget about the men (not whoot). Women have this attitude of “I can make my own money, I can use a dildo, and hell, I can even get prego with a turkey baster.” In this, there is a very clear attitude of MEN ARE NOT NEEDED and this in infiltrating the population and affecting our past, present and current men in many ways. Hell yeah they are needed and wanted, and we need to remind them of that and show them!

Take a moment today and offer thanks and gratitude for your father and the father of your children, if that is applicable.  Call dad (or tell him in heaven) how thankful you are for your gift of life and all the other gifts you got from him.  If you have a husband, tell him how grateful you are for the gifts you’ve co-created together (kids and otherwise) and how you couldn’t have done it without him.  If you have children, tell them that in them, you see their father and it is all good stuff (name specifics if you can). If you need more direction in aligning yourself properly with your father, or the father of your children, feel free to reach out…I guarantee life will be sweeter, you’ll be able to breath easier, be more successful, healthier, and the children or future generations will be happier.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  In order to process all of the day’s happenings, the drama, the stimulation, the good, the bad and the ugly, our body needs to find ways to digest and stimulate, assimilate or eliminate life’s happenings.

One of the main things I do with clients is family constellation therapy.  In this, we acknowledge and work with the fact that the egg that ultimately created you, was in your mom’s womb when she was just 5 months in her mom’s womb.  Additionally, on top of our own consciousness, and the universal consciousness, we have a family consciousness that drives much of our decisions and experiences today.  We are therefore not only  susceptible to the stressors and traumas that we experience in our own lives, we are also subject to past pain and trauma from our ancestors as well.  It is important that we have an outlet for past and current physical, mental, emotional and spiritual burdens.Without an outlet, and even an inlet, we subject ourselves to stagnant and stale energy that can lead to dis-ease, depression, lack of success and a whole other slew of undesirable manifestations.

It is vital then, that we have both a mindfulness and meditative practice, as well as a physical practice. Since, by definition, yoga is aimed at training the consciousness for a state of perfect spiritual insight and tranquility, it multi-tasks on both of those criteria.  The yoga asanas or poses are perfectly and appropriately designed to move energy through the body on every level. Practicing yoga can increase the brain chemicals that make you happy, decrease bodily aches and pains, augment both the quantity and quality of your sleep, amplify your sex life, confidence and peacefulness, and tone and strengthen your bod.  The benefits of yoga are endless. Additionally, when clients have just experienced some growing pains (physically and emotionally), and/or had some major healing/realizations/detoxation take place, I always recommend some slow and gentle yoga in order to release the physical and energetic toxins from the joints, meridians, muscles and cells of the physical body, and the nadis and chakras of the subtle body.

 In conjunction with release and output, it can be very beneficial, healing and advantageous to have an energetic input.  This is where Reiki comes in.  Reiki is a hands-on healing technique that infuses the recipient with life-force energy on every level (emotionally, physically and on a soul level).  The origins are debatable as most recently, it came from Japan, but like yoga, it has some Hindu and Tibetan roots. Reiki is unique in the healing arts, because like yoga, it can be self-administered and for many, becomes part of their daily practice.  Much like the food we eat, we can wax and wane in life-force energy.  Daily exposure to the subways, draining people, lack of sleep, crappy food, our own trauma and past familial trauma, etc can all lead to a lack luster being.  Reiki is a way of channeling energy from source, so it is the purest, most potent kind and since the energy is not yours, it doesn’t deplete you, but rather fills you (or the recipient) up.  The life-force energy revitalizes you, renews you, and is like hitting the reset button on the computer.  I have found Reiki to be a really quick, easy, and compatible modality with any other.  My favorite combo or formula is to, with intention, do some yoga poses for optimum release, and follow up with some Reiki to fill in the newly cleansed areas with life-supporting energy.  Like yoga in the 21st century, Reiki is no longer for the gurus, nor is it exclusive.  By design, it is adaptable and moldable to various needs of the individual, and super easy to learn.  I believe that assimilation and elimination is essential to a healthy mind, body and soul.  Through the foods that we eat, reiki, and yoga, I would say you have a leg up (pun intended) in terms of your health and well-being.

If you would like to learn more about Natalie Berthold and her Family Constellation Therapy, non-traditional Nutritional Counseling, virtual Reiki Certification Program, or her upcoming Cape Cod retreat that utilizes Reiki, Yoga and Family Constellation Therapy, check out www.natalieberthold.com

Make Like a Cicada and Co-create something!

Just like every New Yorker, it is essential to get away and into nature from time to time.  Last weekend, I did just that and was met with the humming and buzzing sound of the cicadas.  This mating call fascinates me because these cicadas have a 17 year life cycle, so the next time we hear these periodical cicadas,  we will all be 17 years older!

These cicadas have a 17 year period underground where they prepare for adulthood.  Interesting how we too, have about 17 years to prepare for adulthood, and then another 17 years to actually become an adult (I’m about to be 34 (17*2) and I am finally starting to feel like a grown woman).  During this time underground, the cicadas feed on xylem fluids and underground roots.  We too do the same thing.  We feed on life experiences, lessons, God, the good, the ‘bad’, the gorgeous, the heartbreak and the heartsoars.  We take it all in, in order to prepare ourselves for adulthood.  Then, all at once, the cicadas all emerge simultaneously for one single purpose–to reproduce.  Similarly, we all graduate from high school at the same time (around 17-18) and start co-creating what gifts we want to bring in the world.  Then, about 17 years later (at least in NYC), you start to notice all of your friends bringing another set of creations into the world in the form of babies or other projects in their mid-30′s.   There is a force beyond the cicadas that pulls them out from under the ground to live long enough to pro-create, only to lay eggs and then to die so that the next generation can do it all over again.  I want you to watch this video…it is very moving http://vimeo.com/66688653.  In these 7 minutes, there is a time-lapse of their life, and the cicadas emerge from the subterranean levels, in order to complete their one and only mission–to pro-create! In the therapy that I do, Family and Systemic Family Constellation Therapy, there is a heavy importance on co-creating and living your life purpose.  We were given life, and in exchange, it is crucial that we give life, whether we give life through real babies, or work, career or volunteer ‘babies’.  If we can die having left a legacy of sorts, we can die knowing we brought meaningful gifts into this world and we can leave feeling fulfilled, from having completed our mission.  There is an energy or force within all of us as well that encourages this to happen before we die.

Where are you in your 17-year life-cycle and what have you, are you, or planning on co-creating?  If you are currently in a relationship, it is important that you and your partner are co-creating something, or the relationship becomes weaker. You both need to be contributing to this world together, in order to keep your relationship bonded and with purpose. If you are single, you should still be giving back to the world in some way.  There are opportunities to co-create with business partners, friends, etc.

I would love to hear in the comments below what you are co-creating right now (or plan on) and with whom.  There is great power in declaring this in front of others.  Need help figuring out what you would like to co-create, don’t be shy, reach out to me, bella beauty!  But one thing is for certain, if you are not bringing some gifts into this world, you will not be happy or feel like you have completed your life mission or purpose…and trust me, you have it.  You have the same force inside of you as the cicadas do, and that is to lay some eggs, whatever they may be.  Find and complete that purpose today!

So many of us navigate life angry at our mothers, or rejecting her, or really pissed off at all the stuff she did or didn’t do.  The problem is, when we ‘live’ life this way, we really aren’t living at all… we are robbing ourselves of so much goodness in this world.  You see, our moms gave us life, and if we deny her, we deny life.  If we reject her, we reject ourselves (we are half her). If we block her, we are blocking ourselves of life-force energy.

I get a lot of clients who struggle with their mothers.  In fact, this is the most common thing I see.  Within one individual or group session, we are able to broaden the lens and see where separation has occurred.  And, in all of the instances I’ve seen, underneath the anger, angst and frustration, really lies a longing.  This is a precious longing that only really exists between a mother and child.  We have needs that only a mother can fulfill and so the desirous feelings are underneath it all.  When we can straighten out the kinks, and let love flow again between the one who gave you life, and then kept you alive (even if you disagree with the methods used), we can go with the flow of life.

Without being in ‘right relationship’ with mom, we cannot fully turn to a man (or a woman) in a relationship,we can’t be as successful in business as we want to be, and we can’t be as vibrant, youthful and healthy as we have the capacity to be.  Lack of life force energy from mom = lack of luster in all areas of life.  Being in ‘right relationship’ with mom also means no being your mom’s mom, partner, gal pal, etc.  Just her daughter.  Once this is in line, the magic can begin to happen.

I have witnessed so many real-life examples of this happening with clients in my practice, but for you, let’s look at fairy tales.  Fairy tales are sort of like Greek myths, in the sense that they are very archetypal and in them, exist many systemic and family dynamics.  If you think about most fairy tales  they all have an element of magic + a damsel in distress that has one, or both, parents missing.  This is actually a very common dynamic here in the US, whether they are physically or emotionally ‘not there’.  The woman in the fairy tale finds herself helpless, poor, and waiting for her prince to rescue her.  Finally, things begin to change…

What causes this shift, or the magic to happen, so to speak? Let’s take a look at our beloved Cinderella.  Poor Cinderella is raised by her rather homely looking and cruel step-mom and step-sisters.  She wears rags and is covered in ashes from cleaning out the fireplace.  Then her MOTHER comes into the picture (archetyped as her fairy godmother, but still, her mother’s spirit).  Now, there is a glimmer of hope.  In a very short amount of time, she gets a coach, some hot duds, her heroic prince and most importantly, freedom from the step family!!  Having her mother have her back, and her receiving her mother’s guidance, Cinderella goes from miserable to magnificent!  We see this dynamic time and time again in many fairy tales and in real life!

Are you still searching for your freedom? Your prince? Your money that could buy you those clothes or a car? That radiant perfect health? That bod you’ve always wanted?  Perhaps you really need your mommy. You see, mom gave you life, and without life force energy, how can we be successful in any arena of life? Often times, we need to be in ‘right’ relationship with mom, and often we aren’t  even if we think we are.  When we are aligned correctly with mom, then the magic can happen.  I know this from personal experience and from many other women that I have helped. I am offering an exclusive discount to the Bella Life community of 10% off my 1-1 coaching program designed to help you streamline your waist and your life through this work (must begin in June).

Though Mothers Day has just recently passed, I hope you can appreciate the gift of life from mom everydayand start to let the magic happen, Bella Beauty! xo

I had always been a curious girl, dabbling in the esoteric world, meditating, talking to spirit guides, but I wanted to dive deeper.  I had been hearing about Reiki and assumed that it was only reserved for the monks that spend 40 days meditating in a cave, or for someone who wanted to dedicate their life to hands-on healing…I didn’t really fit those profiles…

Then, five years ago, I had had enough of the city life.  I moved to Argentina for a year, where I spent six months traversing through Patagonia, alone, on both the Chilean and Argentine sides.  I bought a tent from their equivalent of Walmart, and with a loaf of bread in one hand, and a jar of PB & J in another, I set out among the mountains.  So many lessons were gleaned being alone in nature, but one major awareness I had, in the stillness of the mountainside, and the pristine fresh air and water, is that we are surrounded by life-force energy.  It was so prevalent in Patagonia, that you could see the haze of energy permeating every tree, every bird and every turquoise body of water.  That was the healthiest I had ever been.  I didn’t wear a drop of makeup, yet my skin was glowing and all the dudes wanted me.  I was vibrant because I was breathing, living, surrounded by life-force energy.

When I came back to NYC, I found the energy to be very abrupt and harsh.  I started to wilt like a flower.  I was exhausted, my skin started to sag and be drab, and I was no longer my vibrant self.  I knew the vibrant woman was the real me.  Source energy, or God, had created the divine nature I had lived in, and he had created me, all in His/Her image.  God is radiant and so are His/Her children.  If only I could access life-force energy, even in the chaos of city life…

That is when I found out that anyone can learn Reiki, and it gives you a direct connection to life-force energy…the very energy the runs through all living things and gives them that extra pow!  I craved it so much after having had a taste of it for six full months.  This is why I decided to learn Reiki.  Soon, I was feeling better.  Reiki is one of the only healing modalities that you can do on yourself, so I started doing self-Reiki 5 minutes a day.  I noticed that my energy was coming back, and my hair and skin were reflecting a healthy woman, opposed to a worn out one.  I started experimenting and putting Reiki energy in my food, my water, my shower water, my skin care products (all of my lotions, perfumes, oils, etc). I infused Reiki in everything!  I could feel the tingle of life in me, through me and arround me.  My true self was coming back!  We are born light, and we feel best when we bask in the light!

Soon, I started giving friends and family Reiki energy.  Of course, they loved it and felt like a million bucks after having received it.  It is like setting the reset button and revitalizes you on a cellular level.  Not long after, I started seeing paid clients for Reiki.  Once I was comfortable with the Reiki energy, I expanded into other energy and healing modalities and found that Reiki combined well with everything else and was a great modality either alone, or as an adjunct to other techniques.  Even now, as I mainly do health coaching and Family Constellation Therapy, I incorporate Reiki into my healing sessions.

My pets, myself, and my loved ones benefit from Reiki energy on a daily basis.  I think of it as taking a mind, body, soul multi-vitamin everyday, as I infuse it into my food and water.

I feel really passionate and grateful for Reiki.  It has helped me personally and professionally in so many ways.  Because it is Life-force energy and not your own, I use it during every session so that I am not depleted.  I wanted everyone to have access to this energy, whether it is for their own health and well-being, that of others, or both. Regardless if you go on to become a healer, or just want to amp up your skin-care products, or infuse your baby’s food with life-force energy, everyone can benefit from Reiki.

If this interests you, I have created a digital Reiki program, so that you too can learn Reiki in a comfortable, efficient and affordable fashion. Within hours, you can have more access to the life-force energy that sustains life http://www.natalieberthold.com/reiki-certification-2/. Mention you are a bella beauty, and I’ll take 10% off just for the month as an act of self love, and give yourself more source energy!

Happy healing bella beauties! xo

Oh, the green monster.  Inevitably, in your life, you may have had the pleasure, or the displeasure, of meeting this guy.
In small doses, and in moderation, this can actually be a very advantageous threesome in your relationship. It can show your partner that you care, and don’t want to lose him/her. However, when this little bugger spirals out of control into a green avalanche, gaining speed by the minute, it becomes damaging and creates a whole new dynamic…

You see, every interaction in your relationship has the capacity to be damaging, or building and loving.  Often times, most things (sex, money, time, etc) have the ability to play both sides of the card–depending on if they are balanced, or cross that border, and jealousy is no exception.

When you think about jealousy, or read about it, everyone looks at it with the same, and I believe erroneous, angle.  By definition, jealousy means: a mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims (source: dictionary.com)  It appears that the person who is experiencing the erratic, irrational fears of jealousy, has a deep fear of losing the person in question.  Both partners will perceive that the person has trust issues and is terrified that the other person is going to leave them for someone younger, hotter, skinnier, etc.  While perhaps your suspicions are true, and maybe your man is cheating on you or something else inappropriate is happening, the jealousy doesn’t solve the problem…action does.

This is the traditional meaning of jealousy, but let’s consider another option…

Here’s the real truth about jealousy: It is something that damages a relationship.  It is not sustainable or viable for very long.  It drives people away.  Therefore, when you engage in extreme jealousy, you are actually creating an environment that makes it convenient for your self-fulfilled prophecy to come true.  Then you can confirm, “see, I was right.  So-and-so wasn’t able to commit”.  Some might call this ‘self-sabotage’.  I beg to differ.  I don’t believe in self-sabotage.  I just believe your soul wants something different (usually freedom), even if that different thing causes pain, or is rooted in a family entanglement.

If you are the one who is jealous, take a long-hard look at your feelings toward your partner.  Deep down, might you feel relieved if they just threw up their hands in despair and left you? Couldn’t you then remain the saint, and them the devil? Would that not take the pressure off of you to end things and put it all on them? Then they abandoned you, right?

This is something that requires deep consideration.  When you engage in extreme jealousy, you make it nearly impossible for someone to stay, so secretly, there is a deeper message here.  So be honest, look within and ask yourself “Do I really want them to stay”? “How might I find relief if they just leave me”? Again, you can’t go surface with this…you really have to dig.  Be completely transparent with yourself.  Knowledge is power.  Having this awareness can enable you to put down the sword, or end the relationship in a healthy way, once and for all, but you certainly can’t continue to end your relationship through the guise of jealousy.

If you are the jealous one, the underlying desire is (when you look deep down, on a soul level) you actually want your partner to leave, not stay. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be partaking in an emotion that makes it nearly impossible for the other to remain.  Take action today and complete the necessary steps, one way or another.

*This is based on the principles of Family Constellation Therapy.  I’d love to hear what you think about this theory and relate it to your past or current relationships.  If you are seeking relationship advice and healing, from a unique Family Constellation perspective, Natalie is available for coaching either by phone, or in person at www.natalieberthold.com

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reflection of my life AD (after death and disorder).  I say death, because, as a young girl, teen, and young women, I was not living my life.  I was walking around in a haze of fog, straddling life, with one foot in the door of the living, and one foot in the door of the dead.  I was trapped in a hellacious prison that involved no self-esteem and a debilitating eating disorder.  When I think back to that girl, who I knew just a mere 5 years ago, I barely even recognize her as being a younger version of the woman I am today.  Sure I have my insecurities these days, but I’m never having to talk myself off the ledge, and a whole gallon of ice-cream to ‘sooth’, is now reduced to a cookie.  The negative self-talk recently is pretty limited to “You look/act/seem silly right now” instead of “I wish I had a chainsaw to cut your fat-ass off with and oh, by the way, your tits, nose and sense of humor suck too”.
Recently, my gal pal, and fellow contributor, Ali Leipzig and I launched a new web series geared towards self-love.  That, in addition to wrapping up my schooling as a health coach at IIN,I have really has caused me to really think back at this time in my life, which is almost

unrecognizable at this point and such a far departure from where I am today.  I am saddened at the abuse that I, and so many other men and women put themselves through.  I mean, I am the only constant I will have in my life.  Boyfriends will come and go, friends will get prego and go MIA, by gerbil will go to heaven, however, I am a guaranteed stationary figure in my life…the only one!  And, I disrespected myself to a level of such severe damage, that my relationship with myself had almost gotten to the point of no return. Luckily, my soul and body are very forgiving, and they both had such a longing to unite and be accepted by one another.  Even though trust doesn’t come cheaply, I made sure I earned it back, slowly, but surely.

What ultimately saved me from living among the zombies forever (when you binge and purge, you are so numb that you walk around not feeling anything!)? Well, it was faith, hope, persistence, desire, self-love and letting go of whatever wasn’t mine (especially in my family system). It all sounds so trite, I know.  But, there really was no other way around it.  There was no magic pill I could take, no circumventing or skirting the issue, and no Speedy-Gonzalez solution.  There is a quality that one gains when they are able to get through something that has a hold on them so tight–they gain depth.  This depth is not like studying philosophy or watching foreign films, this depth is a strength and a wisdom that only comes from deep struggle.   I now see myself as strong, confident, and capable to be a an agent of change for other women (and men).  The chapters I went through and the disorder I suffered, gave me a strength and a purpose that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  This all became the foundation for the work I do now, freeing men and women from whatever imprisons them, through trans-generational healing, and encouraging acts of self-love.

Have you been struggling with something debilitating for a long time? I always say that getting through the shit storm is like digging a hole to China.  It can take a while,  however, each step you take, brings you one step closer.  Maybe the final step receives all the credit, but really, every dig you made before that got you a bit closer to your goal, so don’t give up.  That being said, what are 3 contributing acts of self-love (big or small) that you can commit to this week? Need help or inspiration? Check out www.selflovetour.tv to join the journey.  By adding these things in, you can begin to crowd out the demons that were once in charge of running your life.  A brighter future awaits, bella beauty.

What is the quickest way to be young again? Fancy creams? Dance like a maniac? Actually, you just need to go home.  An amazing phenomenon happens when you go to the house where you grew up, or to where your parents and siblings are…you revert to a 14 year old tween,  or maybe even a toddler.  I know, because I was just home for the holidays!  You might be a 40-year old professional…maybe you even have your own children, but the roles never change.  Most of us vacillate between playing the baby and the mommy–neither of which is really true.  Some of this is good–isn’t it nice to let your mom cook for you? How comforting it is to wear grey sweatpants with a grease stain on them in front of family and not have to impress them.  Other behaviours, such as tantrums, or feeling responsible for their health and well-being, are not so healthy.

Don’t worry, nearly everybody enters a time machine when they step through the doors of the rents’ household.  It is important to mentally and spiritually prepare for this, however, or you can dread visits home.  Ultimately, we get life force energy when we connect with the ones who gave us life, so it is important to create an environment where it is conducive to doing this–otherwise, you might avoid the fam like the plague and it becomes a life-draining experience instead of life-giving.

Below are a few simple tips to follow in order to make the interaction a bit more seamless:

1) First of all, for numerous amounts of reasons, we can feel suffocated physically and emotionally when we go home.  Don’t hold your breath.  Take long, deep breaths while at home so that  you create space for healing and you receive the breath and life that is available for you.  Also, extra oxygen keeps you sane!

2) Continuously remind yourself of your age and accomplishments.  When we go home, we resume the role of the child, which for many of us, meant that we were in an environment where we felt powerless, hopeless, not heard, misunderstood and not in control.  This is what leads to the defensive behavior such as tantrums, outbursts, over-eating, etc.  As a child, you probably relied on these strategies for “survival”.  Keep telling yourself that you are not stuck there, this is a temporary visit, you are now an adult, and you are in control of your life.

3) You will also need to remind yourself of what your real role is (daughter, son, sister, etc).  As mentioned above, often times we play the part of mother to our mother, or grandma to our brother, or baby to our parents.  None of these roles really do us justice, besides our true roles.  When you are in the wrong “position”, you are robbing yourself and others of life force energy.  Everyone functions the best (even if you think you may know better than your parents) when they are in the right roles.  Respect that your parents came before you and gave you life…not the other way around.  We literally breathe easier when this hierarchy is observed.

4) Another great thing to do is find some awesome qualities about mom and dad and focus on those, opposed to the crappy ones.  Energetically or out loud, tell them that you will bond with them through those yummy characteristics, as opposed to the undesirable ones.  Then, either out loud or silently, thank them for gifting you those qualities as well.

Often times, we are not ordered correctly, and these tips can help re-order us, so to speak.  Through following these simple guidelines, family visits can go from disastrous to delightful!  Still need help with the family and knowing your place? That is one of the MANY things I do in family constellation therapy, and even this simple shift, can move mountains in your life!  Check out www.natalieberthold.com for some awesome opportunities to do this!  Happy Family Time Bellas!