Oh, the green monster. Inevitably, in your life, you may have had the pleasure, or the displeasure, of meeting this guy.
In small doses, and in moderation, this can actually be a very advantageous threesome in your relationship. It can show your partner that you care, and don’t want to lose him/her. However, when this little bugger spirals out of control into a green avalanche, gaining speed by the minute, it becomes damaging and creates a whole new dynamic…
You see, every interaction in your relationship has the capacity to be damaging, or building and loving. Often times, most things (sex, money, time, etc) have the ability to play both sides of the card–depending on if they are balanced, or cross that border, and jealousy is no exception.
When you think about jealousy, or read about it, everyone looks at it with the same, and I believe erroneous, angle. By definition, jealousy means: a mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims (source: dictionary.com) It appears that the person who is experiencing the erratic, irrational fears of jealousy, has a deep fear of losing the person in question. Both partners will perceive that the person has trust issues and is terrified that the other person is going to leave them for someone younger, hotter, skinnier, etc. While perhaps your suspicions are true, and maybe your man is cheating on you or something else inappropriate is happening, the jealousy doesn’t solve the problem…action does.
This is the traditional meaning of jealousy, but let’s consider another option…
Here’s the real truth about jealousy: It is something that damages a relationship. It is not sustainable or viable for very long. It drives people away. Therefore, when you engage in extreme jealousy, you are actually creating an environment that makes it convenient for your self-fulfilled prophecy to come true. Then you can confirm, “see, I was right. So-and-so wasn’t able to commit”. Some might call this ‘self-sabotage’. I beg to differ. I don’t believe in self-sabotage. I just believe your soul wants something different (usually freedom), even if that different thing causes pain, or is rooted in a family entanglement.
If you are the one who is jealous, take a long-hard look at your feelings toward your partner. Deep down, might you feel relieved if they just threw up their hands in despair and left you? Couldn’t you then remain the saint, and them the devil? Would that not take the pressure off of you to end things and put it all on them? Then they abandoned you, right?
This is something that requires deep consideration. When you engage in extreme jealousy, you make it nearly impossible for someone to stay, so secretly, there is a deeper message here. So be honest, look within and ask yourself “Do I really want them to stay”? “How might I find relief if they just leave me”? Again, you can’t go surface with this…you really have to dig. Be completely transparent with yourself. Knowledge is power. Having this awareness can enable you to put down the sword, or end the relationship in a healthy way, once and for all, but you certainly can’t continue to end your relationship through the guise of jealousy.
If you are the jealous one, the underlying desire is (when you look deep down, on a soul level) you actually want your partner to leave, not stay. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be partaking in an emotion that makes it nearly impossible for the other to remain. Take action today and complete the necessary steps, one way or another.
*This is based on the principles of Family Constellation Therapy. I’d love to hear what you think about this theory and relate it to your past or current relationships. If you are seeking relationship advice and healing, from a unique Family Constellation perspective, Natalie is available for coaching either by phone, or in person at www.natalieberthold.com
