What is the quickest way to be young again? Fancy creams? Dance like a maniac? Actually, you just need to go home. An amazing phenomenon happens when you go to the house where you grew up, or to where your parents and siblings are…you revert to a 14 year old tween, or maybe even a toddler. I know, because I was just home for the holidays! You might be a 40-year old professional…maybe you even have your own children, but the roles never change. Most of us vacillate between playing the baby and the mommy–neither of which is really true. Some of this is good–isn’t it nice to let your mom cook for you? How comforting it is to wear grey sweatpants with a grease stain on them in front of family and not have to impress them. Other behaviours, such as tantrums, or feeling responsible for their health and well-being, are not so healthy.
Don’t worry, nearly everybody enters a time machine when they step through the doors of the rents’ household. It is important to mentally and spiritually prepare for this, however, or you can dread visits home. Ultimately, we get life force energy when we connect with the ones who gave us life, so it is important to create an environment where it is conducive to doing this–otherwise, you might avoid the fam like the plague and it becomes a life-draining experience instead of life-giving.
Below are a few simple tips to follow in order to make the interaction a bit more seamless:
1) First of all, for numerous amounts of reasons, we can feel suffocated physically and emotionally when we go home. Don’t hold your breath. Take long, deep breaths while at home so that you create space for healing and you receive the breath and life that is available for you. Also, extra oxygen keeps you sane!
2) Continuously remind yourself of your age and accomplishments. When we go home, we resume the role of the child, which for many of us, meant that we were in an environment where we felt powerless, hopeless, not heard, misunderstood and not in control. This is what leads to the defensive behavior such as tantrums, outbursts, over-eating, etc. As a child, you probably relied on these strategies for “survival”. Keep telling yourself that you are not stuck there, this is a temporary visit, you are now an adult, and you are in control of your life.
3) You will also need to remind yourself of what your real role is (daughter, son, sister, etc). As mentioned above, often times we play the part of mother to our mother, or grandma to our brother, or baby to our parents. None of these roles really do us justice, besides our true roles. When you are in the wrong “position”, you are robbing yourself and others of life force energy. Everyone functions the best (even if you think you may know better than your parents) when they are in the right roles. Respect that your parents came before you and gave you life…not the other way around. We literally breathe easier when this hierarchy is observed.
4) Another great thing to do is find some awesome qualities about mom and dad and focus on those, opposed to the crappy ones. Energetically or out loud, tell them that you will bond with them through those yummy characteristics, as opposed to the undesirable ones. Then, either out loud or silently, thank them for gifting you those qualities as well.
Often times, we are not ordered correctly, and these tips can help re-order us, so to speak. Through following these simple guidelines, family visits can go from disastrous to delightful! Still need help with the family and knowing your place? That is one of the MANY things I do in family constellation therapy, and even this simple shift, can move mountains in your life! Check out www.natalieberthold.com for some awesome opportunities to do this! Happy Family Time Bellas!
