Lately, I have been doing a lot of reflection of my life AD (after death and disorder). I say death, because, as a young girl, teen, and young women, I was not living my life. I was walking around in a haze of fog, straddling life, with one foot in the door of the living, and one foot in the door of the dead. I was trapped in a hellacious prison that involved no self-esteem and a debilitating eating disorder. When I think back to that girl, who I knew just a mere 5 years ago, I barely even recognize her as being a younger version of the woman I am today. Sure I have my insecurities these days, but I’m never having to talk myself off the ledge, and a whole gallon of ice-cream to ‘sooth’, is now reduced to a cookie. The negative self-talk recently is pretty limited to “You look/act/seem silly right now” instead of “I wish I had a chainsaw to cut your fat-ass off with and oh, by the way, your tits, nose and sense of humor suck too”.
Recently, my gal pal, and fellow contributor, Ali Leipzig and I launched a new web series geared towards self-love. That, in addition to wrapping up my schooling as a health coach at IIN,I have really has caused me to really think back at this time in my life, which is almost
unrecognizable at this point and such a far departure from where I am today. I am saddened at the abuse that I, and so many other men and women put themselves through. I mean, I am the only constant I will have in my life. Boyfriends will come and go, friends will get prego and go MIA, by gerbil will go to heaven, however, I am a guaranteed stationary figure in my life…the only one! And, I disrespected myself to a level of such severe damage, that my relationship with myself had almost gotten to the point of no return. Luckily, my soul and body are very forgiving, and they both had such a longing to unite and be accepted by one another. Even though trust doesn’t come cheaply, I made sure I earned it back, slowly, but surely.
What ultimately saved me from living among the zombies forever (when you binge and purge, you are so numb that you walk around not feeling anything!)? Well, it was faith, hope, persistence, desire, self-love and letting go of whatever wasn’t mine (especially in my family system). It all sounds so trite, I know. But, there really was no other way around it. There was no magic pill I could take, no circumventing or skirting the issue, and no Speedy-Gonzalez solution. There is a quality that one gains when they are able to get through something that has a hold on them so tight–they gain depth. This depth is not like studying philosophy or watching foreign films, this depth is a strength and a wisdom that only comes from deep struggle. I now see myself as strong, confident, and capable to be a an agent of change for other women (and men). The chapters I went through and the disorder I suffered, gave me a strength and a purpose that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. This all became the foundation for the work I do now, freeing men and women from whatever imprisons them, through trans-generational healing, and encouraging acts of self-love.
Have you been struggling with something debilitating for a long time? I always say that getting through the shit storm is like digging a hole to China. It can take a while, however, each step you take, brings you one step closer. Maybe the final step receives all the credit, but really, every dig you made before that got you a bit closer to your goal, so don’t give up. That being said, what are 3 contributing acts of self-love (big or small) that you can commit to this week? Need help or inspiration? Check out www.selflovetour.tv to join the journey. By adding these things in, you can begin to crowd out the demons that were once in charge of running your life. A brighter future awaits, bella beauty.
