Editors Note: This article is an excellent reminder of the challenge many of us face around the holidays – spending time with the family! Although most of us adore our family members, that doesn’t mean past troubles and current anoyances don’t pop up. Read below to get yourself ready to share a great holiday with your family! ~Nitika~
It’s that magical time of the year again…the time when tinsel paints the town gold and silver and unabashedly calls for attention, where Christmas trees are as tall as the skyscrapers who host them, and ladies doing the Can-Can adorn the billboards. A NYC Christmas is about as whimsical as you can get. Even my mother, who likens travel to a sharp poke in the eye, fell in love with NYC’s allure during the holidays. For me, it is the only time of the year where I am truly forgiving of the crappy weather. Somehow, the majestic-ness of the ice-skating rinks and the Swarovski diamonds cancel out the cold.
Aside from all of the glitter and glee however, there is an infamous side of Christmas as well; being with family for an extended period of time, attending countless holiday parties, waiting in huge lines to sit on Santa’s lap, and trying to say no to the endless display of eggnog and sprinkled cookies that are almost too cute to eat (almost). And of course, we have some business to take care of in terms of holiday gift giving. What do you get your family that isn’t as mundane as socks, not as useless as a S’mores maker, and not as gaudy as a crystalline figurine? I can’t help you with the long Santa lines….that is the price we must endure for sitting on the lap of a fat jolly man, but I can help you with gift giving.
I have been doing Family Constellation Therapy for some time now, and what I learned through the process, has enabled myself and others to establish stronger, healthier relationships both with relatives and the self. So how do you have a less adversarial relationship with family? What will win the “Gift of the Year” award? Drum-roll please (dolodoldolodum): You MYOB. Yup. Mind our own business/beeswax. This is one of the toughest things to implement, but the gains are well worth it, and it is truly the best holiday gift!
You see, we are far too entangled in our family’s affairs. Basically, every time we try to “take care” of our siblings, parents, or grandparents, we are entangling ourselves where we don’t belong. The thing is, we do this out of love. We earnestly believe our unsolicited advice (or even solicited) is going to be well received and welcomed, taken and integrated, and save lives. We must realize that we are not serving anyone here. In theory, we are hopeful that everyone benefits…in our precious dreams, dear family members’ lives improve, and we feel less “guilt”, as it serves our helping heart strings. The problem is, it further entangles and strangles us because we are taking away one’s right to suffer–one’s learning opportunity that comes through adversity. We must respect our family members’ individual freedom, even if from our point of view, we are letting them have the freedom of being stuck, unchanged and maintaining bad decisions. We must not overstep our boundaries. Not only are we trying to influence them where it is inappropriate, but we are putting ourselves higher up on the totem pole as well. By doling out advice to siblings or parents, we are placing ourselves above them. Parentification, the act of the child becoming the parent, takes place. Most of the time, we take on this role as a very young child. Due to loyalty towards our parents for giving us life, we quickly jump to the aid of our parents and sacrifice our own happiness in order to save theirs. It is not uncommon for children in this role to practice bed wetting and other behaviors to divert attention from family discord. As adults, we often catch ourselves continuing to intervene in our parents’ lives in order to make them happy, only now, we may do it in other ways (some healthier than others), ranging from addiction and illness, to that of constantly trying to offer guidance or the newest health cure, so that we may help our parents. I catch myself doing it all the time…trying to interject my “new-age knowledge” on my mom. “Mom, you really ought to try _________________ (fill-in-the-blank: juicing, yoga, emotional freedom technique, Reiki, etc.). Basically, it all amounts to: “You really should try something you are not doing. You simply aren’t doing enough. By the way, I know more than you do about your health, mind, body and soul. Now pass the beans please.” This is hard for most of us, and especially difficult for therapists and healers like me. I have seen so many people get better, so I feel passionate about sharing my knowledge…but I have to remember, that they (my clients) used their free-will to come and see me. They sought me out. My family didn’t. Even though I am approaching it from a space of love and concern, it is still parentification, and, quite frankly, ass-backward.
Family constellation places a high emphasis on birth order. We must recognize, acknowledge and honor that we exist because of our parents. We came from them and therefore, must receive from them. Likewise, our babies (in the form of children, projects, pets, careers, etc.) will receive from us. We have been given the gift of life because of those before us, and therefore, we must accept a lower role on the totem pole…regardless of how “wise” we may think we are. This is indeterminate of “good” or “bad” parents and/or ancestry, they still came before us, and for that, they are honored if for nothing more than giving us life. Energy, in family constellations, is meant to travel downstream. If you are constantly parenting your parents, energy cannot travel appropriately and becomes entangled. When this happens, you are operating with a kinked hose and everyone receives a fraction of the potential sweetness. There is a story of a man who watches over someone who is ill all night, and in the morning, the ill person is better, whilst the “Nervous Nelly” dies. When we don’t MOOB (mind our own business), we drain ourselves of the energy necessary to adequately take care of ourselves. When I see this in a family constellation, regardless of how adamant the son or daughter may be at first, ease and resolution is almost always granted when the correct roles are assumed and parents become parents and children become children. The parents need to be sure they are adhering to this role as well. Often times, if parents didn’t get what they needed from their parents or spouse, they often turn to the child and take. The child, out of extreme loyalty for life, gives. He/she knows no other way, and therefore the parent is responsible for allowing the child to switch to the higher role that the child is not equipped to handle. I will discuss this function and its implications in the next article.
In the meantime, give the gift that keeps on giving…for everyone. MYOB. Honor the birth order. Give up repeated attempts to influence your family. Stay present in your relationships without intentions and goals of saving/curing/bettering them. By staying in that space of acceptance and presence, the healing can truly find room to breathe and take place. And for God’s sake, enjoy a little eggnog and have fun. The family that plays together, stays together. Wishing all of you a joyful, safe, and non-intrusive holiday season! Much love and light!
