Is Your Family Keeping You Single?
Could your relationship with your family be keeping you single? I see a lot of clients who come to me with various ailments—among them is a broken heart, an over-protected heart, or an ever-elusive relationship. Many people come to me sad and confused because while they are seemingly doing everything right, they can’t seem to find, or perhaps hold onto, Mr. or Ms. Right. I’ve tried everything, they lament. I’ve done law of attraction, eHarmony, blood-type matching, psychics, you name it, and I am still alone!
Some people experience a long drought or they simply never attract potential mates into their loves. Others are able to meet people, but cannot seem to hold onto them. Most of these people also typically have a magic (or a not-so-magic) number of months/years, after which, the relationship fails and disintegrates. These debilitating patterns can often times be a product of family entanglements. You see, we are born into family constellations, or groups. We, on a soul level, want desperately to be included and accepted, often times, at a cost. We have so much loyalty towards our family, that we would do anything to fit in and to not betray them…even if it means staying single. Throughout the times that I have facilitated Family Constellation Therapy, I have seen these relationship patterns play out in a variety of ways. See if you can identify a pattern that you might be holding onto:
- Sally was in a seemingly good relationship, but got divorced at the age of 31. Sally’s mom was divorced or abandoned by her husband at the age of 31. (On a subconscious level, Sally would have felt guilty/disloyal if she stayed in that relationship, when her mom couldn’t be in one).
- Tom had had many opportunities to be in a committed relationship, but whenever the time came for the next step, such as marriage (after 2 years), he bails (think George Clooney). One day, his older brother finally settles down and gets married, and Tom marries the next girl he dates. (On a subconscious level, Tom felt guilty because in the hierarchy of families, Tom’s older brother should get married first. His love and loyalty towards his brother kept him feeling guilty and, consequently, single).
- Mary’s mom never got married and was raped and abused by a man. Out of love and loyalty towards mom, Mary always had a fear and mistrust of men, so much she was never able to date.
- Bob’s dad was an alcoholic and was never around. Bob had no choice but to become the man of the house. He energetically takes on the role of the husband, because subconsciously, he thinks he can provide more and do a better job for mom, than dad could. Growing up, Bob has troubles keeping women around. There is no space for a woman. Bob already has a “wife” which is his mom. Once he gives up that role and becomes his mom’s child again, Bob finds himself in successful relationships.
- Karen’s dad dated “the love of his life” and things didn’t work out. Afterwards, he married Karen’s mom and had children (Karen being the first born). The father never got over his lost love and projected her qualities and their relationship onto Karen. Both Karen and her father unconsciously placed her in the role of “the love that got away”. Karen, like Bob above, had no room for another man in her life. In addition, Karen is also predisposed to having the love of her life slip away.
There are hundreds of other scenarios that can play out, in addition to the above mentioned. We become so enmeshed and entangled in our parents’ and ancestors’’ drama (who do you think your parents got it from?) and so hell bent on making our parents happy and fitting in with them, that it is easy and understandable to see why and how these things happen. The important thing is to recognize these patterns, and to do some healing around them. On a soul level, our parents want us to be happy. Ask them to give you the courage and blessings to live a joyous life with loving relationships (you can do this energetically).
For those of you thinking, Me? No Way! I want nothing to do with my family. I will NOT end up anything like them. This is why I moved 3,000 miles away from them!, you are also very much at risk. Remember, in Family Constellations, your soul wants to fit in, not be the black sheep, and the more you resist “what is”, the more your soul will subconsciously gravitate towards those patterns. It is best to recognize and accept your family, in order to disentangle yourself from their fate. Honor their fate, but know that it does not have to be yours. Be free, love bird. Go find your soul mate and feel your ancestry cheering you on as you have had to the courage to break the family cycle and have a successful and loving relationship.
